it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
And then he peed in my hair
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