you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize