Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I party with great urgency now.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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