just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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