You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
