talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I am naked and annoyed.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
