Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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