Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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