you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
