I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
