apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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