I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
