tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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