No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
