I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
organizing the empties. That sober.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
