Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
