The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
