She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
