hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
