You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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