I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
