I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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