I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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