I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
