just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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