can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
