I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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