hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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