Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize