it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
