i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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