I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
