Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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