my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
