And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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