Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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