I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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