Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
