New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize