The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
