in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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