Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
