I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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