I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
