dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
