that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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