Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize