Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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