We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Little spoons don't ask big questions
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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