The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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