Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize