cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
