Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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