she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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