i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
