my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
