Screwed.edu
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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