i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
