My boss' voice literally gives me gas
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
