People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
