So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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