my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
