matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
