you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
